explanations, rambles and sorting things out

There is a very special little boy that has been on my mind lately. Well actually, he never left my thoughts. He is always there in everything I do, making me think, "What if you were still here?" "What would you think about your cousins?" "How much fun would it be to see you all three together laughing and cooing at each other?" "I wish that your cousins could meet you."

Mr. Mason Wyatt Lance, born on November 6th, 2008. My nephew, my sister in law and brother's first son, my boys' cousin, my neice's brother and my parents 3rd grandson. He is and always will hold a very special place in my heart. After all, he's my first nephew. He is now with Jesus and making all of heaven laugh, and charming them with his smile and beautiful face.

It was a bittersweet November for my family. A storm of emotions that is very hard to deal with. It's strange how life can change so rapidly from what we expect it to be, from what we have planned, Gods plans are sometimes so different. My boys were born on November 1st and it was the best day of my life. They changed my life instantly, and I thanked God for them and all he had given me in the last year. I thought, this is it, a new start for a new life, a happier life. THANK YOU GOD! I was overwhelmed with joy. After months of anticipation and anxiety, God proved to me that I need to stop worrying and trust in Him all the time, without looking back. We went home from the hospital on November 3rd and were getting settled in. I was in the new mom scared to death somthing was going to go wrong, b/c too much went right phase. It was a little overwhelming, but nothing I couldn't handle. The sleep deprivation was starting to set in.

On November 5th, Matt got a call from my mom. My sister in law, who had gone through her whole pregnancy with me was due to have a little boy on December 21st. She hadn't felt the baby move a while, and nothing she did seemed to get him active. Mason had been a very active baby until this point. He was just like big sis Crystal and liked to breakdance in mommy's belly. He had us all laughing before he was even introduced into this world. Knowing something wasn't quite right, Kali did the right thing and headed to the hospital. She did everything she could've to help her little boy, but he was already gone. Mason had no heart beat. I got the call at about 5 pm or so I believe. My heart skipped a beat, then pounded uncontrollably, I stopped breathing and forgot to start for several seconds. There has to be something they are missing, its not fair, we have to be able to make this go away, this shouldn't happen to babies so it can't be true. It was true however. My thoughts went immediately to my brother and sister in law and their little girl. This CANT happen to them. they dont deserve this. I HAVE to change it. They wanted this little boy more than anything. He was their son. Everything was planned.

Kali was induced and delivered Mason on November 6th. He was gorgeous just like his big sister and had a head full of black hair from what I hear. This is the part that is difficult for me to deal with. You see, I didn't go to the hospital to see Mason. I have so much guilt in my heart for that. At the time I don't know that I could have dealt with seeing him and knowing that I would never be able to see or hold him again after that time. There was so much that played into it. First, my boys were only 5 days old and I was scared to death that I was going to lose them. Second, it was hard to leave the house with two 5 day old babies, especially if we were going to be gone for more than 1 hour due to feeding, etc. Third, It would be horrible of me to take them in to the hospital when my brother and kali had just lost their little boy, that would be selfish of me to put them through that. Every time I looked at my precious babies I thought "how could God take something so precious that didn't even have a chance." The only thing that brought me comfort at that time is that I know he didn't have any pain and instantly went to heaven. There were two knots in his cord and he also had nuchals. Thank God that my sweet little nephew that we had waited for so long for didn't feel any pain, because he did nothing to deserve that.

Hind sight is 20/20. now I think, that was my nephew and I didnt even get to hold him. maybe Jeremy and Kali needed me there for support, that was selfish of me. Crystal would've loved to show off her baby brother Mason to me. I really screwed up. So what if it was hard to get out with two babies, I should've sucked it up and dealt w/ it. Now I find comfort that he is up there entertaining heaven and we are awaiting our time to meet him.

Christmas was a sad one for me. I thought of him every minute. I was devastated that there were only 3 stockings hanging instead of 4. We had picked out matching oshkosh outfits for all three boys during our pregnancies together and now only two would be worn. There were only 3 kids to sit on santa's lap instead of 4. Our whole pregnancies we had thought, Christmas is going to be great, it just didnt turn out how we'd expected. I have never felt the presence of anyone so strongly as that day though. It's almost as if Mason knew how important this Christmas was going to be to us and somehow was there with us. I could just feel him. It was so comforting to know he was there with us.

My sister in law and brother are so strong. I could never in a million years be as strong as they are. The strength of my neice also catches me off gaurd. Just the other day she was coloring and drew a picture of her mommy, daddy and herself and showed it to her mom. Then she said "wait a minute" and she took her masterpeice back and continued drawing. She then proudly held up her finished piece of work and it brought us to tears. She drew her baby brother mason in her daddys arms. For a 3 year old this amazed me. She is such a blessing to us and helps us to simplify things and to realize that he is still here with us. We can talk to him anytime we want, through prayer.

Still healing, it is hard for us to watch the twins grow up without having known mason the way that we all did. but still yet, we know that we will all see him again some day and that gives us comfort.