Our Miracles--cont.

There we were about two weeks later. Sitting in the truck outside the doctor's office. I finally admitted to Matt that I had butterflies. Actually, that's an understatement. I had these 'butterflies' for the last two weeks. But now they were much more apparent. Now it was go time. Everything I had hoped for for so long came down to this. It could make me or break me. Literally. Matt urged me to get out of the truck. I couldn't. Not yet. I wasn't ready. ::DEEP BREATH:: With a lot of faith and a pep talk from my hubby we walked hand in hand into the doctor's office. I had never felt so close to him. He knew that this was important to me. It's amazing what it takes to make a man step up and be a man. He knew that this was one of those times I needed him and his support.

We sign in, sit down and thumb through a bunch of magazines in our anxious wait for our ultrasound. I just glanced at the car magazines Matt was looking at, because I had no desire at that time to look at the endless baby magazines which seemed to fill the room. "Bethany." Oh crap! that's me! My own name has never made me want to pee my pants so badly. ::another DEEP breath:: here we go. For those of you who don't know. I am a thinker. I really want to know what's going on. Everything is important and everythings a big deal in one way or another. So when you get to something like this with all its anticipation, yah, I was a little freaked out.

The nurse let me pee before the ultrasound, which was good because I would've anyway. Same room. The dark one in the corner. Same table I had sat on before. Same chair by my side. My heart was absolutely racing. It seemed like hours Matt and I waited in the dark for the nurse. In actuality it was only about 15 minutes. Here comes Tara with her small talk. At that point I didn't want to talk. I wanted quiet. Quiet until I knew. I think she got my drift.

The ultrasound machine came on and Matt was holding my hand. I felt like puking but didn't know if it was morning sickness or nerves. I told Tara about it to give her fair warning so I didnt puke on her. She started the scan and at first I wouldn't look. Then I looked. I couldnt take it anymore. SHEWW!! There was something there! THANK GOD!!!! I've never felt such relief in my life. (all of this was going in super slow motion. what seemed like 10 minutes was actually all within 30 seconds) I let out a deep breath that I felt like I had been holding forever. Wait a minute...what's that??? There's two sacs on that screen. No, I've got to be looking at it wrong. Tara chimed in.."Hah! you've got twins!" SILENCE. It was just me and the screen for what seemed like forever. Then I felt Matt squeeze my hand and I realized I probably ought to snap out of it. I looked at him for some kind of guidance. He smiled at me. He looked nervous, but was trying not to let it show. My mind was racing. How would we afford two? two of everything. I wasn't even out of nursing school yet. I would have to have a C-section. I was terrified of so much as the laughing gas at the dentist, and now I was going to have my belly cut open. (Probably shouldn't have watched that C-section the week before.) It was out of my control. I started bawling. I didn't know why. Just everything I guess. Overwhelmed. Here I thought I was unable to have even 1 baby and now I was going to have 2? I was sobbing and Tara said "let me go get doc and let him take a look." So she went to get the doctor and he looked at the screen (I was still crying.) he patted my leg and said, "it's a good thing!" I wasn't sure if it was or not. I mean, really. Me? why would God give ME the chance at this? I was nobody. At least in my mind I was. God had bigger plans for me. He wanted to show me I WAS somebody. Obviously to Him I was anyway, and he was trying to convince me of that fact.

The doctor looked at the screen and told Tara to zoom in. He said "is there even anything in that other sac?" Tara: "yah, right there." Dr.: "Oh now I see it. must not be as far along as you thought." There was no heart beats yet. I should have known. That would be too much closure for one day. I had to have something to worry about. :) Neither of my babies hearts were beating yet. I was about 5 and ahalf weeks along. my babies were about the size of a grain of rice. Dr.: "You know one of those could even disappear." Now damnit! stop messin with me. Dont tell me its a good thing and then tell me something like that.

The doctor left the room. I was so out of it that I didnt realize the ultrasound was over and I was still up in stirrups. the nurse was just looking at me like, "are you going to get down from there?" I'm sure that this wasn't the norm reaction, but I had everything planned out, and now it was shaken up a bit. The nurse told me to get dressed and meet her at the desk. She left the room and I looked at Matt after a few hesitating seconds. I go "Well?" he looked at me and said"Yes!" now I'm going to have two little riding buddies." Even at a time like this hes got the dirt bike on his mind. lol. This made me laugh. Next thing I know we were still standing in the dark ultrasound room and I was melted in his arms. I don't know how long, but I just needed to know it was going to be okay. It must have been too long for tara because she came back and said "you can come out now." So we followed her out of the room hand in hand just like we had walked in. She handed me the picture of our babies and told me what my due date was. November 15th, 2008. ::SIGH::

I was beginning to regain my composure by the time we made it to the receptionist. This was a good thing because I think I had scared enough people by this point. She said "congratulations" and I squeaked out a "Thank you" and off we went.

I sat in the truckin the same spot I had nervously sat just 45 minutes ago, thinking how so much had happened in that 45 minutes and how my life was going to be forever changed.

Our Miracles

January 21, 2008 I believe was when we went to Eville to the doctor for the first time. We had been trying for a year with no luck. We needed to find some answers. Things with my body weren't going well. I hadn't had a period in the whole year that we had been trying to conceive. They said try on day 14 of your cycle. I think at that point I was already on day 395 or something. I am a very curious person, especially about health realated things. So needless to say I was anxious to find out what was going on with me becuase I wanted despirately to have babies. It was what I had hoped for my whole life. It's who I was. I just knew that I would be a good mommy. I was made for it. So here we were going to the doctor looking for answers. I realized that I didn't eat very well, and I was probably pushing my body too hard to support a pregnancy even if I did conceive. I was in nursing school full time, had a full time job and was studying for boards. Along with working out and I was sort of diet crazed. So I started eating more and gave up the workouts. A month later, in the end of February, we went for our first follicle scan to see if my body was producing any eggs. I got on the table and Matt sat by my side. Just as we had thought my left ovary had 12 cysts on it. My right had two very small eggs. "Too small to do anything with" was what Tara, the nurse told us. She reassured us that it would be okay, to go home and try and it probably wouldn't happen this month. The plan was to talk to the doctor and she would call us back. Two days later I got the call, the next months plan, and depressed. I felt as though I would never get to be a mother. What was wrong with me. I felt like a failure, like a freak. Even 16 year old girls can get pregnant. Here I am 23, married, a good job, why can't I?! It just didn't seem fair. The nurse said~in her words~"Go home have fun and we'll see what happens. Next month we'll probably do something different." So we continued trying the last two weeks of my cycle. Meanwhile, everywhere I went I saw someone with a cute belly carrying her husbands baby. I thought about what our child would look like some day. I thought about what I would look like when I was carrying our baby. I had been buying clothes at yard sales for a year in hopes of bringing home a child. That dream was growing dimmer everyday.

Every morning was the same. Wake up at 6:00 am. Take temperature before getting out of bed. BEEP! Record temperature on graph. Be excited if there was a slight increase in temp. Go pee. I had been doing this for months and months. But this month was different. It was on March 14, 2008 that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I just didn't feel right. I hadn't started yet, but that was the usual for me. I woke up, recorded my temperature, and this time I took a pregnancy test. I waited. Scared to look, I waited longer than I needed to. I bit the bullet and inched my way over to the bathroom counter. I held my breath and unlike so many times before, I looked down and my heart pounded, skipped a beat and pounded some more. My face got beet red, and very hot. it was 2 lines!!! I dug the package out of the trash to read the instructions again. maybe 2 linesmeans no. NOpe! I was pregnant. I kept telling myself "don't get too excited." because every time you do something goes wrong. Maybe its a false positive.
I went into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and hugged Matt. I whispered in his ear "I think I'm pregnant." He said "what?" I said "I think I'm pregnant." He said "That's real good." He's so funny. He's not a morning person, so this reaction is equivalent to a 'normal' person jumping up and down hysterically. So I go to work and half of me is on cloud 9 and the other half is in denial. I spend half the morning running to the break room to make/receive phone calls to the doctor. I even argued with Dr. miller's nurse that it could be ectopic or just a false positive. She was very patient with me and my endless phone calls and reassured me that yes, I was pregnant. So after a very long day at work, the reality sank in. I accepted it. I was pregnant. Matt and I were going to be parents. Next call was to the doctor in Eville. I told the nurse I was pregnant and she was pleasantly surprised and sent me for blood work. Everything came back fine, but my progesterone was extremely high. It is supposed to be around 15 I believe and mine was 78! wow! I then researched and found that this could be a sign of ectopic. This opened a whole new can of worms. The nurse called me back with the results and set up my first ob appt and ultrasound in evansville. She said hopefully we would be able to see a heartbeat. I was extremely anxious. We went out and got our parents willow tree angels of a mommy, daddy and baby. I handmade cards that said "parents are great" on the outside and the inside said "grandparents are better!" After our ultrasound the next week we were going to give them their gifts so they could share in our new little miracle that would be born just 9 short months from then. But I knew being a nurse extern in ob that this wasn't a guarantee, there could be no baby coming from this. so I hesitated to tell them. I put my faith in God that he would make it okay. Something came over me and though I was hesitant and nervous, I just knew in my heart of hearts that everything would be okay. I had no idea what God had in store for us at that 1st ultrasound.

New things

Here are so cute pics that my sis in law Kali took of the boys on easter! I love it! they are getting so big! :( but I have to deal with it. dont get me wrong, I love that they are doing more things and everything, but I miss the day they were born, and i miss getting to rock them to sleep without them fighting me. ::SIGH:: all in stages I guess. I am working on living in the now, not the past and not the future. just now.The cute little girl is my neice crystal. She is soooo hilarious. They broke the mold after they made her. There is no other child like her in the world. But I think her little brother Mason would have been just like her if he had made it here. No, actually, he is like her, just in heaven instead of here. :(

Grant got two teeth yesterday.He had fussed all day on Tuesday. From the moment he woke up till I fought him to sleep he cried these horrible painful cries. Then wednesday Kali said his teeth were poked through and sure enough there they were. Gabriel is pretty much sitting up on his own, and into EVERYTHING. he almost ripped the hymnal at church on sunday. lol hes so dang cute. when you put something new in front of him he goes ballistic and starts frantically waving his arms and gets this animated look on his face. Grant is still just an observer. He loves to watch me talk. He could sit on my lap for hours and just listen. (better watch what I say huh?) They are such happy babies (except for n ap time) they smile constantly and melt my heart with something new every day! Well, there's tons more I could say but not enough time to say it in. Sorry for the shorthand, I'm struggling with a crying baby at the moment. :P hehe! But I love it!

Hey Marcy...

First trip to Bass Pro

Please mommy, no more shopping!

look alikes...kinda scary!

Gabriel jumped till he fell asleep again.

Grant just is lazy. I JUST put him in there.

Since you asked so nice :) sorry it's been a while. The boys are doing well. Just discovered this week that Gabriel never sits still and Grant just wants to cuddle. They are really growing. I was going through their old stuff for a yard sale today, and realized that they weren't little babies anymore. I just about cried because I had to get rid of all the cute things that I put them in when they came home from the hospital. Give me a minute, and I'll post more. Gabriel just woke up screaming.....gotta get him before Grant wakes up.