Our Miracles

January 21, 2008 I believe was when we went to Eville to the doctor for the first time. We had been trying for a year with no luck. We needed to find some answers. Things with my body weren't going well. I hadn't had a period in the whole year that we had been trying to conceive. They said try on day 14 of your cycle. I think at that point I was already on day 395 or something. I am a very curious person, especially about health realated things. So needless to say I was anxious to find out what was going on with me becuase I wanted despirately to have babies. It was what I had hoped for my whole life. It's who I was. I just knew that I would be a good mommy. I was made for it. So here we were going to the doctor looking for answers. I realized that I didn't eat very well, and I was probably pushing my body too hard to support a pregnancy even if I did conceive. I was in nursing school full time, had a full time job and was studying for boards. Along with working out and I was sort of diet crazed. So I started eating more and gave up the workouts. A month later, in the end of February, we went for our first follicle scan to see if my body was producing any eggs. I got on the table and Matt sat by my side. Just as we had thought my left ovary had 12 cysts on it. My right had two very small eggs. "Too small to do anything with" was what Tara, the nurse told us. She reassured us that it would be okay, to go home and try and it probably wouldn't happen this month. The plan was to talk to the doctor and she would call us back. Two days later I got the call, the next months plan, and depressed. I felt as though I would never get to be a mother. What was wrong with me. I felt like a failure, like a freak. Even 16 year old girls can get pregnant. Here I am 23, married, a good job, why can't I?! It just didn't seem fair. The nurse said~in her words~"Go home have fun and we'll see what happens. Next month we'll probably do something different." So we continued trying the last two weeks of my cycle. Meanwhile, everywhere I went I saw someone with a cute belly carrying her husbands baby. I thought about what our child would look like some day. I thought about what I would look like when I was carrying our baby. I had been buying clothes at yard sales for a year in hopes of bringing home a child. That dream was growing dimmer everyday.

Every morning was the same. Wake up at 6:00 am. Take temperature before getting out of bed. BEEP! Record temperature on graph. Be excited if there was a slight increase in temp. Go pee. I had been doing this for months and months. But this month was different. It was on March 14, 2008 that I decided to take a pregnancy test. I just didn't feel right. I hadn't started yet, but that was the usual for me. I woke up, recorded my temperature, and this time I took a pregnancy test. I waited. Scared to look, I waited longer than I needed to. I bit the bullet and inched my way over to the bathroom counter. I held my breath and unlike so many times before, I looked down and my heart pounded, skipped a beat and pounded some more. My face got beet red, and very hot. it was 2 lines!!! I dug the package out of the trash to read the instructions again. maybe 2 linesmeans no. NOpe! I was pregnant. I kept telling myself "don't get too excited." because every time you do something goes wrong. Maybe its a false positive.
I went into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and hugged Matt. I whispered in his ear "I think I'm pregnant." He said "what?" I said "I think I'm pregnant." He said "That's real good." He's so funny. He's not a morning person, so this reaction is equivalent to a 'normal' person jumping up and down hysterically. So I go to work and half of me is on cloud 9 and the other half is in denial. I spend half the morning running to the break room to make/receive phone calls to the doctor. I even argued with Dr. miller's nurse that it could be ectopic or just a false positive. She was very patient with me and my endless phone calls and reassured me that yes, I was pregnant. So after a very long day at work, the reality sank in. I accepted it. I was pregnant. Matt and I were going to be parents. Next call was to the doctor in Eville. I told the nurse I was pregnant and she was pleasantly surprised and sent me for blood work. Everything came back fine, but my progesterone was extremely high. It is supposed to be around 15 I believe and mine was 78! wow! I then researched and found that this could be a sign of ectopic. This opened a whole new can of worms. The nurse called me back with the results and set up my first ob appt and ultrasound in evansville. She said hopefully we would be able to see a heartbeat. I was extremely anxious. We went out and got our parents willow tree angels of a mommy, daddy and baby. I handmade cards that said "parents are great" on the outside and the inside said "grandparents are better!" After our ultrasound the next week we were going to give them their gifts so they could share in our new little miracle that would be born just 9 short months from then. But I knew being a nurse extern in ob that this wasn't a guarantee, there could be no baby coming from this. so I hesitated to tell them. I put my faith in God that he would make it okay. Something came over me and though I was hesitant and nervous, I just knew in my heart of hearts that everything would be okay. I had no idea what God had in store for us at that 1st ultrasound.